An Embarrassing Illness

July 7^th, 2004

A couple of weeks ago, a fellow rider at work diagnosed me with an embarrassing social disease - C.L.A.P. I was shocked. First of all, he didn't know me well enough to ... well know me. Secondly, I'm a happily married man and I want to keep it that way. Seeing my reaction, he quickly explained that C.L.A.P. stands for Chrome, Leather, Accessories, and Paint. After my relief at not being accused of engaging in unmarried like behavior wore off, I was forced to do something I find difficult to do and normally don't enjoy. I had to examine my own behavior. I had to ask myself, "Do I have C.L.A.P.?"

Let's examine the facts; sure I bought $3,000+ of additional chrome and accessories when I bought my Sabre. Yes, I bought a new leather jacket, riding boots and gloves. So what if I picked up couple of sets of goggles, bandanas, sunglasses, and a gel seat pad. And, doesn't a painted helmet just look better than one with stickers? The additional items I wanted were not just for show; they were functional (sissy bar bag, chrome radiator guard, new rain suit). I don't have to buy these things. I can quit anytime I want .....Oh my gosh, I have a case of C.L.A.P., and I'm in denial.

But is it my fault? After all, look at all of the motorcycle brothels tempting riders. On the Biker eNews' website alone, I counted 22 shops in Norfolk and Virginia Beach catering to this sinful business. That doesn't even account for those 1-900-BUY MY CHROME sites available on the Internet. Is it healthy to be watching those Biker TV shows that equate Super Bikes to Super Models, and redefines Extreme Make Over to mean riding a tricked out radical chopper? My only saving grace is that the after market add-ons for "Metric" bikes have not gained as much of the market share as our Harley riding brothers and sisters have to face. My heart (and my wallet) feels for these burdened Harley souls. The untold damage of this disease on unsuspecting bikers is incalculable. How many anniversary presents have been bought at discount stores so we could squeeze a few more chrome dollars out of our budget? Is it possible that our sons and daughters have to go to colleges near our homes so we can save enough on room and board to buy those carb jets and exhaust pipes?

Unfortunately, I don't know of a cure for this crippling social disease. And, I don't believe that wearing a rain suit while passing a bike shop will protect us. What can we do? With no offense to any of the legitimate recovery or treatment groups, I believe we must first admit that we have a problem. The next step is to join our fellow bikers in beating this disease. The next time you're kicking tires at a club meet or bike show, try telling the owner that you think his custom bike would look better with the stock pipes and handlebars. He may not show it, but he'll appreciate it later. Remember, friends don't let friends buy chrome. Get active, plan for more riding time and less shopping time. After all you'll be doing it for your family. So, until next time...

"I'm Gary Houglan and I have C.L.A.P." - Want to go riding?

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