Ethics, Highway Bars, and Style

March 16^th, 2005

muse@bikerenews.com

The temperature was 46 degrees and dropping. The skies were turning gray and threatening to open up. I was riding west on Shore drive headed for home. A decision was needed quickly. Should I take my usual route and follow Shore Drive up to Independence or make a quick left onto North Hampton. This would cut a couple of miles off my trips and maybe shorten the ride home by 5 minutes. After all, this was just a test run down Shore Drive to the beach so I could get the feel of my newly installed highway bars. The turn off was coming up, my hand was on the blinker. Turn - Go straight, what did I do?

Yes, you heard me - new highway bars. I made the decision to buy and to install them myself (Biker Build Off has nothing on me). There were two reasons for purchasing the new highway bars.

Mikes reliable engine guard.

First, a fellow rider from work, Mike, made a very convincing argument for engine guards after he had his second accident in almost as many months. Wet and oily pavement contributed to the first accident. The second accident was thanks to a cage driver that was trying to cross traffic between some stopped cars. The cage managed to clip the rear wheel of the bike and sent bike and rider on a sideways spin down the road. In both cases, Mike is convinced that the engine guard prevented serious injury to his legs and his engine.

The second reason was the deciding factor. After making a couple of cross state trips, I decided that I needed alternate footrests so I could change my riding position on the long straight-aways. Yes I admit that a stronger, younger, more athletic rider will tough it out, but the way I see it is if you're riding a softail with a windshield and floorboards, why lie to yourself. Admit that comfort is a necessity and not an evil accessory.

With safety and comfort as my allies, I started my search. I quickly narrowed my choices to the Cobra and Lindby engine guards. After an exhausting evaluation process, I decided on the Lindby guards. Why? I think they look better. Remember, "I'm Gary and I have C.L.A.P." Of course, it didn't hurt that the reviews from other consumers on the Cruiser Customizing website (www.cruisercustomizing.com) stated that the installation was easy and took them less than 20 minutes. I placed the order.

I've got the look, just not the attitude

The bars showed up in a couple of weeks and I was ready to go to work. I was apprehensive about this mechanical work. After all, my garage work for the last few years had been limited to changing license plates on my cars. With the confidence of Arlen Ness (or Mikey Tuttle), I got started.

Opening the box, I got my first surprise. The bars came with a disclaimer that stated they were cosmetic and could not guarantee safety to rider or bike. Accepting this statement as legal "cover their butts" lawyer speak, I headed for the toolbox. Amazingly it was where I had left it (in the garage).

The primary objective was to connect the bars behind the radiator and to the lower bolts on the floorboards. Three bolts, how hard could this be? Little did I understand what this simple statement actually meant?

In order to get the bars behind the radiator, I had to tilt the radiator forward. I unbolted the top of the radiator and tried to wedge the bars into place. No way, no how were the bars going behind the radiator. I had to get more clearance.

I made the command decision to loosen the top radiator hose in order to allow the radiator to tilt forward. This immediately resulted in about 20 gallons (really about a cup) of radiator fluid spilling onto the garage floor and my pants. Trying to remember how to put fluid back into the radiator, I was successful in getting the bars behind the radiator. However, I could not get the bolt to line up with the chrome radiator cover, radiator, highway bars, and frame hole.

Not willing to let a single bolt stop me from my appointed rounds, I decided to tackle the bottom bolts. The left side was relatively easy to bolt up. The right side was another story. First, the lower bolt on the right side is the same bolt that holds the brake control in place. With visions of only being able to use the front brake for the rest of the time I own the bike (or crashed it), I pulled the bolt free.

Using all of my manly strength, I was barely able to get the bars pulled wide enough apart to get the bottom of the bars over the outside of the floorboard. Then, all I had to do was line up the highway bar, the floorboard, the brake (and spring), and the frame hole. After about 20 minutes, the liberal use of a "hole alignment device" (screwdriver), and an equipment persuader (rubber mallet), I was able to get the bolt into the hole and tightened.

That only left two things left to do, reconnect the radiator hose and the top radiator bolt. Somehow I needed to push up and hold the cover, radiator, and bars while I reconnected the hose. Then I needed to push everything into place while I racketed down the bolt. After trying to use every appendage on my body to push, pull, squeeze, clamp, align, and bolt. I gave up. Dejected, frustrated, deflated, and befuddled, I made a simple decision. Realizing that "a man has to do what a man has to do", I asked my wife for help.

Braving the manly realm surrounding the bike with its smell of radiator fluid, blood from skinned knuckles, and verbal commentary suited for shipboard life, my wife agreed to help me. Together we jointly used all of our appendages and repeated the push, pull, squeeze, clamp, align, and bolt action like two tango dancers listening to bluegrass. It wasn't pretty, but it was successful.

Ensuring I hadn't spilled too much radiator fluid, cleaning and putting away my tools, and after cleaning up the bike, I decided it was time for a test run. After all, form, fit, and function are the cornerstones of any mechanical success story. So, I pulled out of the driveway and aimed for down Shore Drive.

The highway bars did exactly what they were supposed to do. I was able to cruise down the road with feet propped on the bars and my back pressing against the backrest. Comfort, style, and mechanical victory all contained in one piece of equipment. I was sure I was the envy of all the cages I thought I saw looking at me.

What about that turn onto North Hampton? Well I didn't make it. Despite being cold and trying to beat the rain, I decided that if I started taking shortcuts, I might as well be riding in a car. After all, if I was willing to cheat myself out of a couple of miles on the bike, what would be next? Opting for full riding suits, heated socks and gloves, electric seat warmers? Do you think those riding suits come in a "chubby-short" size?

After all the sweat, blood and tears, they look just fine...

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