22 December '04

Some Useful Stuff I've Learned On and About Motorcycles

By Laurie Sherfey

The 40/40 Rule

If the temperature is above 40 degrees, and the probability of precipitation is below 40%, it'll be the bike for the daily commute. This is a bit flexible, if it's cooler, but dry, then an extra layer might be enough. If it's warmer, and only raining a little, the gear is pretty watertight. Fog, ice, heavy rain, or a severe sinus headache is all a no-go for riding, though.

The 1% Rule

This is a self-proclaimed group of folks out on the outer fringes of the biking world, and not in terms of fashion choices, or the number of tattoos, or anything to do with external appearances. This minority of people works very hard to keep all the negative biker stereotypes alive and kicking. The rest of us (I guess we're 99%ers!) are all reasonably decent folks, even if we do have helmet hair issues, smashed bugs on our teeth, and some of us like body art. Of course, this 1% group of troublemaking headbangers does not include pocket bike riders, posers, street stunters, drunken riders, or fools who ride in flipflops. These folks are all in a class by themselves, and most legitimate bikers are also embarrassed to be associated with any of them, too. On the whole, I think I'd rather deal with the 1% crowd. At least they know they're bad, and bad people can change. But dumb people usually just get dumber! And they keep on getting bigger and bigger bikes, too.

The car driver's day is about to get a lot worse. Those are 1% ers.

"I didn't see your motorcycle"

This is usually said in a whiney voice by a cage driver after they do something really boneheaded. It rarely explains or excuses what they did, but somehow they always seem to think it will.

1. My helmet is bright white. I have numerous reflective strips on my helmet, my pants, my jacket, my riding boots, and at least 6 places on my bike. The bike is big (I am at eye level with most SUV drivers!), and it is bright, bright blue. It has large, double, very bright headlights.
2. I learned early on to ride defensively, and especially to stay out of the blind spots inherent to many vehicles, such as SUV's, minivans, and trucks.
3. You can usually tell when a driver has seen you in their rear view or side mirror. So some are just plain not telling the truth.
4. If the driver still can't see me after all this, then I have to question their competence to even be out on the road at all. And putting away that accursed cell phone might help a little, too.
5. There is a difference between not seeing me, and misjudging my speed, acceleration, how close I am, or just deciding their vehicle is bigger and badder than mine. The first is an accident, and yet, might still be gross negligence. The rest of them are just plain criminal, if I can't avoid their miscalculated, incompetent, overly aggressive maneuvering.
6. I can wear gear, and I can ride defensively. But part of the solution to this ongoing problem with sharing the road has got to be improved driver training and awareness, too.

I can't win. Ever.

I know I will lose every time in a road fight between my bike and any other vehicle. My vehicle is smaller, is balanced on only two wheels, and I have very little crash-absorbing material around my tender bits. I am constantly aware of this, and yet I am also consoled at least a little by some of the following thoughts:

1. I have been skilled enough, alert enough, and had enough class and maturityto compensate for a lot of inept and rude driving. So far, at least!
2. I win - every time - at the gas pump. I especially like to pull into the stationnear a big honkin' SUV. I get over 50 miles per gallon. Cha-Ching!
3. I'm having a lot more fun per mile, too.
4. I believe there is ultimately some justice in the universe, in the long run. People who share things like stupidity, ineptitude, pettiness, and meanness with everyone around them - it comes back around to them, eventually. You know what they say - what goes around comes around; you reap what you sow; it all comes back to bite you in the end, etc. On the positive side, so does the "good stuff" - like kindness, politeness, generosity, patience, maturity, integrity, etc. When you give it 100%, and "play nice", it comes back to you, too. I way prefer the people I've met when I chose to take the high road, rather than the low one.
5. For every jerk I meet out there on the road, there's 10 (or more) nice people who smile, or wave, or just look longingly at the bike. People who politely share the road, and seem to think it's cool I'm out there. That's a lot more than my glass being half full!
6. I've made more than my share of mistakes at one point or other. Maybe that person who just did that dumb thing isn't like that any other day. Cut them some slack, and get on with the ride. No harm done - this time.
7. That person enthusiastically giving me that special hand gesture just totally thinks my bike is #1. Hey, I used to get mad, or feel hurt. Now I laugh, and life goes on. I think my bike is #1, too. You choose the low road - I choose the high road! I laugh derisively at your inane hand gestures, and your inept driving (you have to imagine this being said in an outrageously whimsical Monty Python phony French accent!)! Well, it works for me.
8. The agility and acceleration of the bike can make up for a lot of mistakes made by others. If I manage to not make any of my own, there's an unbelievable amount of compensating that can be done.

And your father smells of elderberries!

Remember What You Came On

Somehow, it just isn't quite the same……

This especially applies to grocery stores, and yard sales. I must not buy that huge bargain size laundry detergent, or that three-foot long loaf of fresh-baked bread. The bread will not flex like a whip antenna out in the wind, and all those little seeds will blow off long before I get home. If I can't fit it in the top case, jam it into the front of my jacket, or sit on it, don't buy it. This also includes not picking up my daughter from school on the bike, on Band Days. She plays saxophone. I guess it could be worse, like tuba, or the harp.

Examine Relative Costs. Do the Math.

Oil is cheap. Engines are not. Check the oil often, and change it like clockwork.

Air is free. Tires are not. Check the tire pressure, and remember to adjust the rear tire pressure for cargo and/or a passenger (or passengers).

Don't Rule Out Low Tech Solutions

It's amazing what you can do with stuff like garbage bags, duct tape, and twist ties. Give me a Swiss Army knife, some beef jerky, and a couple of bungee cords, and I'm set for conquering the world. Some people like to take a bit more.

Protection Comes in Many Forms

Wear earplugs on the highway, and on longer trips. Don't forget sunscreen, and good eye protection, too. Of course, the less exposed skin you have to put sunscreen on, the safer you'll be. But never forget to protect that face, even with a full-face helmet.

Sometimes, Sweat the Small Stuff

If your bike won't start, make sure you didn't accidentally trip the Kill Engine Switch, before you call for the tow truck. Otherwise, your friendly motorcycle mechanic may never let you hear the end of it. Or, so I've heard…

A Good Motorcycle Mechanic is Worth His Weight in Gold

Having a skilled mechanic you trust and respect is priceless. Even if he does abuse you about that one isolated Kill Switch incident. There are far fewer bike mechanics out there than car mechanics, but fortunately, there seems to be a higher percentage of truly good bike mechanics. Perhaps they are doing it not to just pay the bills, but because they really love it, and are proud of their work, too. And because they get to pick on bike owners mercilessly. Being bikers, we are very accustomed to being abused; we almost seem to thrive on it.

It is Much More Than a Mere Motorcycle

It is, in no particular order:

1. A highly efficient, ruthless, mobile bug-smashing machine.
2. Inexpensive, intensive, and highly effective therapy. Or, at least it is, if you avoid the "Gotta Have Chrome Syndrome". If you go there, forget inexpensive! Get help.
3. Absolute, irrevocable proof that "getting there IS half the fun". Sometimes it's way more than half the fun.
4. Sort of like a robopet that doesn't need to be fed, doesn't dig up the back yard (unless it's a dirt bike), or chew up things around the house. They do, however, need to be let out often, and often tend to get awfully cranky as they get older.
5. Almost enough to make you actually like going to the dentist, or just about anywhere else.
6. Enough to intimidate some people, and impress others. Both can be useful.
7. A lifestyle, to whatever extent you want it to be. It can be an everyday thing, or just a casual hobby. It can be a toy, and a tool. Simultaneously.
8. It's a means to go to awesome places, meet fascinating people, and have amazing adventures. And, once you pull out of the driveway, it gets even better!
9. It's an excuse to wear funky, really "out there" stuff, like some kind of alien invader, or a modern day Samurai Warrior. People tend to cut a wide berth around you, and to not mess with you. Forget the power tie nonsense, and those wimpy Power Rangers. Body armor rules!
10. It helps you to develop a truly morbid, warped sense of humor.

Things I May Never Figure Out

1. Why are there never male elves at Christmas biker events, or scantily clad male bike demonstrators at bike shows? Don't women buy bikes, too? And don't married guys have to persuade their wives to agree to that new bike they want? They way guys look in their snug leather is some compensation, but I'd like to see a little more shameless pandering to us females! I'd also like to see more of that well-muscled he-man biker leg, too.
2. Why is it that many of the people least qualified to give advice on motorcycles and motorcycling, seem most compelled to do so? Of course, this would also have to apply to me, so you'd better take everything I say with a grain of salt, and a heaping helping of healthy skepticism!
3. If we can put a man on the moon, why can't we come up with a helmet that won't make my hair look so horrible?
4. Countersteering. I am an engineer, and I've read detailed, logical explanations based on the laws of physics and dynamics, and I've done it countless times. It is still counterintuitive to me. But I'm awfully glad it works the way it does.
5. Why is it almost every time I find a bike I love, it is only sold in Europe?
6. How much to use that rear brake. I still pretty much avoid it almost all the time.
7. Why all bikes can't be as reliable and durable as my trusty old 250 cc scooter was.
8. Target fixation. If that huge football linebacker can look one way, and then go the other, why can't my motorcycle do the same?
9. How to carry a saxophone on my bike. I sometimes wish my daughter had taken up the flute! Of course, the sax is way cooler….
10. How to trip the sensor plates in turning lanes at traffic lights. I've had to sit and wait for a car to pull up behind me, sometimes for a long time! Also those ticket dispensers in parking garages can be a pain, too. I've actually acted like a 1%er, and run through them, after fighting with them for a while.

Can I get it in something besides PINK?

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