For all my
Politically AND grammatically correct friends: On his 74th birthday, a man
received a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to
a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumoured to have a
wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed
his ticket to the medicine man. The old man handed a potion to him, and with a
grip on his shoulder warned, 'This is a powerful medicine.. You take a
teaspoonful only, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly
than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do
I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'"
he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the
next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home,
showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to
join him in the bedroom.When she came in, he took off his clothes and said,
"1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited
and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our
sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling
I was thinking
about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has
clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage
I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have
what they call blue teeth, I think.
You know, I spent a fortune on
deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.
thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!
I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age, and call it
I've gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's
when your chest is falling into your drawers!
When people see a cat's
litter box, they always say, 'Oh, have you got a cat?' Just once I want to say,
'No, it's for company!'
Employment application blanks always ask who is
to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, 'A Good
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a
whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me. They were cramming for
As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.
Birds of a feather flock together . . . .and then poop on my car.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body
and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to
find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
hesitates is probably right.
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals
for forty (40) are XL.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have
someone in mind to blame.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is
so he can tell when he's really in trouble..
Did you ever notice: When
you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs...'
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and
start bragging about it.
Some people try to turn back their odometers.
Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way
and some of the roads weren't paved.
When you are dissatisfied and
would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra.
One of the many
things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being
young. Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.
Charley, a new
retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every
day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy,
clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously
demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.
One day the boss
called him into the office for a talk. "Charley, I have to tell you, I like
your work ethic, you do a bang-up job when you finally get here; but your being
late so often is quite bothersome."
"Yes, I know boss, and I am sorry
and am working on it."
"Well good, you are a team player. That's what
I like to hear."
"Yes sir, I understand your concern and I will try
Seeming puzzled, the manager went on to comment, "I know
you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say to you there if you
showed up in the morning late so often?"
The old man looked down at
the floor, then smiled. He chuckled quietly, then said with a grin, "They
usually saluted and said, ' Good morning, Admiral, can I get your coffee, sir
One of my favorite stories, ever!
The CIA had an
opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and
testing were done there were three finalists... Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal
door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your
instructions, no matter what the circumstances. In side of this room, you will
find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"
The man said, "You
can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then
you're not the right man for this job." The second man was given the same
instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about
Then the man came out with tears in his eyes." I tried,
but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it
takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn.
She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and
went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard
screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.
The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her
brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death
with the chair."
A man hires a
taxi to take him to court for his bankruptcy trial. When they arrive he says to
the driver, Well, I suppose you might as well come in
A man met a
beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'
said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'
So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon
at a very nice resort. One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up
off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half
tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he
straightened out and cut the water like a knife.
After a few more
demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said, 'That
He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You
see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'
she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths. After seventy -five
lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out
He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance
'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Memphis but I worked
both sides of the Mississippi.
A blonde hurried
into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot
off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor asked her. 'Well, I was
trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied. 'What?' sputtered the doctor.
'You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?' 'No, Silly' the
blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, 'I just paid
$6,000.00 for these implants. I'm not shooting myself in the chest.' 'So then?'
asked the doctor. 'Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid
$3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened. I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'
'So then?' 'Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: 'This is going to make
a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.
Valentine's Day cards somehow never made it to store shelves, I wonder why?
I admire your strength, I admire your spunk,
But the thing I like
best, is getting you drunk.
Our love will never become cold and hollow,
Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.
I bought this Valentine's
card at the store,
In hopes that, later, you'd be my whore.
feels so good, it feels so right,
I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.
You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class,
I'm spanking, your big-fat ass.
Before I met you, my heart was so
But now I'm fulfilled, SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!
the things that came to pass,
Our love has grown, but so has your ass!
You're a honey, and you're a cutie
I just wished you had J-Lo's
I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny,
So, right to the
point, let's do it, I'm horny!
If you think that hickey looks like a
You should check out the one that I gave to your sister!
for what seemed like an eternity, the stewardess announces over the intercom
that "we're just waiting for the pilots."
The passengers look out the
window and see two men, dressed as pilots walking towards the plane. Both men
are using guide dogs and appear to be blind. There are murmurs among the
passengers, and some believe it is a joke. The men board the plane and go into
the cockpit. More concerned murmurs and uneasy chuckles from the passengers.
The plane taxis normally to the runway and begins it's takeoff. As
passengers look out the window they realize they are nearing the end of the
runway. The entire passenger cabin begins screaming but the plane lifts off
just before the end of the runway.
The passengers calm down and chuckle
to themselves, at this point believing that they fell for a joke.
the cockpit, the pilot turns to his copilot and says "you know, one day those
people are gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die!"
A farmer goes
out and buys a new, young rooster. As soon as he brings him home, the young
rooster rushes and screws all 150 of the farmers hens. The farmer is impressed.
At lunchtime, the young rooster again screws all 150 hens. The farmer is not
just impressed anymore, he is worried. Next morning, not only is the rooster
screwing the hens but he is screwing the turkeys, ducks even the cow. Later
farmer looks out into the barnyard and finds the rooster stretched out, limp as
a rag, his eyes closed, dead and vultures circling overhead. The farmer runs
out, looks down at the young roosters limp body and says: "You deserved it, you
horny bastard!" And the young rooster opens one eye, points up at the vultures
with his wing, and says, Shhhh!, they are about to land."
At the shops a
man noticed a lady eyeing his two adopted children curiously. The boy was
blond, while the girl was black. The lady continued staring. Finally, she
asked, Those your kids? Yes, they are! he answered
proudly. They adopted? she asked. Yes, he replied.
I thought so, she concluded. I figured youre too old to
have kids that small.
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