A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for
months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing
her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor
whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was
definite movement.
They went to her husband and explained what
happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little '0ral sex' will
do the trick & bring her out of the coma.' The husband was skeptical, but
they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy.
The
husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the
woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into
the room.
'What happened!?' they cried.
The husband said, 'I'm
not sure; maybe she choked.'
There was a 10 year old boy walking down the sidewalk dragging a
flattened frog on a string behind him. He walked up to a house of ill repute
and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and
asked what he wanted.
He said, 'I want to have sex with one of the
women inside. I have the money and I'm not leaving until I do.'
The
Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to
pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, 'Do any of the girls have any
diseases?' Of course, the Madam said no, but the boy replied, 'I heard all the
men talking about having to get shots after making it with Tawana. So THAT'S
the girl I want!'
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money
to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He
headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later
he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.
The Madam stopped him and asked, 'Why did you pick the only girl in the place
with a disease, instead of one of the others?'
He said, 'Well, if you
must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to
eat, leaving me at home with my babysitter. After they leave, my babysitter
will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of little boys.
She will get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad
will take the babysitter home. On the way, he'll jump her bones, and he'll
catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the babysitters, he and Mom
will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad
goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and
catch the disease... and then Ill have my revenge for HE'S the
son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!
Top Ten Reasons Why Harley Riders Don't Wave Back
10.
Afraid it will invalidate warranty. 9. Leather and studs make it too heavy
to raise arm. 8. Refuse to wave to anyone whose bike is already paid for.
7. Afraid to let go of handlebars because they might vibrate off. 6.
Rushing wind would blow scabs off the new tattoos. 5. Angry because just
took out second mortgage to pay luxury tax on new Harley. 4. Just
discovered the fine print in owner's manual and realized H-D is partially owned
by Honda. 3. Can't tell if other riders are waving or just reaching to
cover their ears like everyone else. 2. Remembers the last time a Harley
rider waved back, he impaled his hand on spiked helmet. 1. They're too
tired from spending hours polishing all that chrome to lift their arms.
Top Ten Reasons Why Gold Wing Riders Don't Wave Back
10. Wasn't sure
whether other rider was waving or making an obscene gesture. 9. Afraid
might get frostbite if hand is removed from heated grip. 8. Has arthritis
and the past 400 miles have made it difficult to raise arm. 7. Reflection
from etched windshield momentarily blinded him. 6. The espresso machine
just finished. 5. Was actually asleep when other rider waved. 4. Was in
a three-way conference call with stockbroker and accessories dealer. 3. Was
distracted by odd shaped blip on radar screen. 2. Was simultaneously
adjusting the air suspension, seat height, programmable CD player, seat
temperature and satellite navigation system. 1. Couldn't find the "auto
wave back" button on dashboard.
Top 10 Reasons Sportbikers Don't Wave:
10. They have not been riding long enough to know they're supposed to.
9. They're going too fast to have time enough to register the movement and
respond. 8. You weren't wearing bright enough gear. 7. If they stick their
arm out going that fast they'll rip it out of the socket. 6. They're too
occupied with trying to get rid of their chicken strips. 5. They look way
too cool with both hands on the bars or they don't want to unbalance themselves
while standing on the tank. 4. Their skin
tight-kevlar-ballistic-nylon-kangaroo-leather suits prevent any position other
than fetal. 3. Raising an arm allows bugs into the armholes of their tank
tops. 2. It's too hard to do one-handed stoppies. 1. They were too busy
slipping their flip-flop back on.
Top Ten Reasons Why BMW Riders Don't
Wave Back
10. New Aerostich suit too stiff to raise arm. 9.
Removing a hand from the bars is considered "bad form." 8. Your bike isn't
weird enough looking to justify acknowledgement. 7. Too sore from an
800-mile day on a stock "comfort" seat. 6. Too busy programming the GPS,
monitoring radar, listening to ipod, XM, or talking on the cell phone. 5.
He's an Iron Butt rider and you're not!. 4. Wires from Gerbings is too
short. 3. You're not riding the "right kind" of BMW. 2. You haven't
been properly introduced. 1. Afraid it will be misinterpreted as a friendly
gesture.
Country Funeral Story
As a young minister in Kentucky, I was asked by a funeral
director to hold a grave-side service for a homeless man, who had no family or
friends. The funeral was to be held at a new cemetery way back in the country,
and this man would be the first to be buried there.
I was not familiar
with the backwoods area, and I soon became lost. Being a typical man, I did not
stop to ask for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the
backhoe and the open grave, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. The digging
crew was eating lunch. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and I
stepped to the side of the open grave. There I saw the vault lid already in
place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, as I told them
that this was the proper thing to do.
The workers gathered around the
grave and stood silently, as I began to pour out my heart and soul. As I
preached about "looking forward to a brighter tomorrow" and "the glory that is
to come," the workers began to say "Amen," "Praise the Lord," and "Glory!" The
fervor of these men truly inspired me. So, I preached and I preached like I had
never preached before, all the way from Genesis to Revelations. I finally
closed the lengthy service with a prayer, thanked the men, and walked to my
car.
As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I heard one of
the workers say to another, "I ain't NEVER seen nothin' like that before, and
I've been puttin' in septic tanks for thirty years.
A manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job
opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were
equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one
question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the
interviewer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'
The first
man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.
'That's very good!' replied the interviewer. 'And, now you sir?' he asked the
second man. 'Hmmm...Let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know
that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'
'Excellent!' said the interviewer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular
cliché for speed.'
He then turned to the third man, who was
contemplating his reply. 'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the
house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way
out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant.
'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of '.
The
interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found
his man. 'It's hard to beat the speed of light,' he said.
Turning to
BUBBA, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question. Old
Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me
that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'
'WHAT!?' said the
interviewer, stunned by the response.
'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see,
the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before
I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit my
pants.'
BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart
near you!
You probably will think of this every time you enter a Wal-Mart from now
on!
Three doctors are in the duck blind and a bird flies overhead. The
general practitioner looks at it and says, "Looks like a duck, flies like a
duck... it's probably a duck," shoots at it but misses and the bird flies away.
The next bird flies overhead, and the pathologist looks at it, then
looks through the pages of a bird manual, and says, "Hmmmm...green wings,
yellow bill, quacking sound...might be a duck." He raises his gun to shoot it,
but the bird is long gone.
A third bird flies over. The surgeon raises
his gun and shoots almost without looking, brings the bird down, and turns to
the pathologist and says, "Go see if that was a duck."
A couple made a deal that whomever died first would come back and
inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no
after life. After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True
to his word, he made the first contact, "Ivy... Ivy..." "Is that you,
Richard?" "Yes, I've come back like we agreed." "That's wonderful!
What's it like?" "Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have
breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the
warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch, another
romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the
afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex
until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it
starts all over again." "Oh, Richard you surely must be in Heaven!"
"Not exactly ... I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona."
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch in Bonita
Springs , doing nothing. One lady turns and asks, 'Do you still get horny?'
The other replies, 'Oh sure I do.' The first old lady asks, 'What do
you do about it?' The second old lady replies, 'I suck a lifesaver.'
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, 'Who drives you to the
beach?'
Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement
home in Ft. Lauderdale reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the
green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a
cucumber she could buy for a penny. The second old lady nodded, adding that
onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of
two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece. The third old lady
remarked, 'I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're
talking about.
The
Biker eNews is a non-profit entity; it is privately owned and funded as
a public service for the Tidewater and Peninsular Motorcycle Community. We are
not affiliated with any organization or business. The Biker eNews is owned,
operated and paid for by Phillip Floria, 108 Groome Road, Newport
News, VA, 23601.