Im not the best looking guy. Some would say Im a
little frayed around the edges these days. But, I have a nice bike, a little
money, and I spend most of my time casually riding from place to place.
I met a nice looking girl in the park the other evening. There was an
instant spark between us. All of a sudden, she did this cute little dance, then
immediately dropped to her knees and lay on the grass at my feet.
lay there making love, I thought . . .
Wow, these taser
guns are really worth the money!!
1. It's hard to
explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
2. I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I
thought, look what's telling me that.
3. The midget fortune teller who
kills his customers is a small medium at large.
4. A farmer in the
field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had
5. What does a nosey pepper do? Get jalapeño business.
6. What is Bruce Lee's favorite drink? Wataaaaah!
dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa.
8. You kill
vegetarian vampires with a steak to the heart.
9. There was a prison
break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down her sneered at
me and I thought, well that's a little condescending.
10. If you want
to catch a squirrel just climb a tree and act like a nut.
11. So this
guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere.
magician was walking down the street and turned into a grocery store.
13. A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.
don't you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees? Because they're really good at
15. Did you hear about the Mexican train killer? He had
16. How does NASA organize their company parties? They
17. Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
Because the "P" is silent.
18. What kind of shoes do ninjas wear?
19. Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo' drizzle.
20. Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They're making
21. Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven
was a well known six offender.
22. What time is it when you have to go
to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie.
23. My friend recently got crushed by a
pile of books, but he's only got his shelf to blame.
24. What did
Jay-Z call his girlfriend before they got married? Feyoncé.
Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like banana.
26. How many kids
with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb? Let's go play on our bikes.
27. What do you call dangerous precipitation? A rain of terror.
A Texan walked
into a barbershop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a
The barber (using a straight razor by the way) began to
lather his face, while a woman with the most beautiful breasts that he had ever
seen, knelt down and began to shine his shoes.
The Texan said,
"Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."
She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that." The Texan
said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference." She
said, "You tell him, he is the one shaving you.
Alphabet : A is for apple, and B is for boat, that used to be right, but now it
won't float! Age before beauty is what we once said, but let's be a bit more
Now The Alphabet:
A's for arthritis; B's the bad back, C's
the chest pains, perhaps car-di-ac?
D is for dental decay and decline, E is for eyesight,
can't read that top line! F is for fissures and fluid retention, G is
for gas which I'd rather not mention.
H high blood pressure--I'd rather it low; I for incisions
with scars you can show. J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend, K
is for knees that crack when they bend. L 's for libido, what happened to
sex? M is for memory, I forget what comes next. N is neuralgia, in
nerves way down low; O is for osteo, bones that don't grow!
P for prescriptions, I have
quite a few, just give me a pill and I'll be good as new! Q is for queasy,
is it fatal or flu? R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S is for sleepless nights,
counting my fears, T is for Tinnitus; bells in my ears! U is for urinary;
troubles with flow; V for vertigo, that's 'dizzy,' you know..
W for worry, now what's going
'round? X is for X ray, and what might be found. Yfor another year I'm
left here behind, Z is for zest I still have-- in my mind!
I've survived all the
symptoms, my body's deployed, and I'm keeping twenty-six doctors fully
employed! HAVE A GREAT DAY !
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eNews is owned, operated and paid for by Phillip Floria, 108 Groome
Road, Newport News, VA, 23601.