A blonde decides
to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior
experience. She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the
blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's
mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around
the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse
gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.
giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and
throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the
stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves. As her head is
struck against the ground over and over.
As her head is battered
against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her
great fortune... Frank, the Walmart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the
A wife got so
mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out. As he walked to
the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." He turned
around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"
A man was riding
a bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman next to him started to
breast-feed her baby. The baby wouldn't take it, so she said, "Come on sweetie,
eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us."
Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come
on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."
minutes later, the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid. Make up your mind! I
was supposed to get off four stops ago!
A three year old
walked over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors
office. He inquisitively ask the lady, "Why is your stomach so big?" She
replied, "Im having a baby." With big eyes, he asked, "Is the baby in your
stomach?" She said, "He sure is." Then the little boy, with a puzzled
look, asked, "Is it a good baby?" She said, "Oh, yes. It's a real good
baby." With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked... "Then why
did you eat him?"
A man walked
into work on Monday with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened. The man
said, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing
hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out.
She turned around and punched me square in the eye." "Where did you get the
other shiner?" the boss asked. "Well," the man said, "I figured she didn't
want it out, so I pushed it back in."
A minister told
his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help
you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17." The following
Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of
hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The
minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed
with my sermon on the sin of lying."
A serious drunk
walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at
the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him
silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were
my wife. You look exactly like her." "Why you worthless, insufferable,
wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed. "Funny," he muttered, "you even
sound exactly like her."
In 1923, Who
1. President of the largest steel company? 2.
President of the largest gas company? 3. President of the New York
stock Exchange? 4. Greatest wheat speculator? 5.
President of the Bank of International Settlement? 6. Great Bear
of Wall Street?
These men were considered some of the world's
most successful of their day..Now, 88 years later, the history book asks us, if
we know what ultimately became of them..
president of the largest steel company.
Charles Schwab, died a
2. The president of the largest gas company,
Edward Hopson, went insane.
3. The president of the NYSE,
Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home.
4. The greatest wheat speculator,
Arthur Cooger, died
5. The president of the Bank of International
6 The Great Bear of Wall
Cosabee Livermore, also committed suicide
However, In that same year, 1923, the winner of the world's most important road
race, the Isle of Man T.T., was Stanley Woods.
What became of him?
He won 10 T.T. races between 1923 and 1939; He lived on the Isle of
Man and rode motorcycles all his life. He lapped the island circuit at 82 mph
in 1957 (The Golden Jubilee) aged 54 He was a wealthy man when he died aged 90.
Screw work; Ride motorcycles....
A Texan walks
into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says,
"I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars
to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back. "
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.
Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and
taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good? ", asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of
Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint
glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the
Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and
says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you
were gone? ".
The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down
the street to see if I could do it first ".
feeling it was time for a shake-up, hired a new CEO. The new boss was
determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the
CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted
to let them know that he meant business. He walked up to the guy leaning
against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?"
little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, "I make $400 a week.
The CEO then hands the guy $1,600 in cash and screams, "Here's
four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good
about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to
tell me what that friggin slacker did here?"
From across the room came
a voice: "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
A group of
Americans are touring Ireland. One of the women in the group is a real
curmudgeon, constantly complaining: "The bus seats are uncomfortable, food is
terrible, too hot, too cold, accommodation is dreadful..."
the group arrives at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be
followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone," their guide says.
"Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it.
Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."
"We can't be here tomorrow," the
nasty woman shouts. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we
can't kiss the stupid stone."
"Well now," the guide says, "it is said
that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good
"And I suppose you've kissed the stone?" the woman scoffs.
"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide responds. "But I have sat on it."
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